So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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