Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
