I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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