I have demons in me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
