The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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