bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
