you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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