can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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