I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
