he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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