she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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