ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
