I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
