I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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