He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
