I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
