i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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