your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
