maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
