then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
