She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
