Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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