I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
