when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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