We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just sent this text using only my big toe
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
