I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
