this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
