So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
