I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The best revenge is premature balding
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
