He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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