I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You left your phone here
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