Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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