She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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