end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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