Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
