remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
