The maid of honor just puked.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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