Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
love makes seman taste better
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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