god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
