So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
