Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Be still, my beating vagina.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
