You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
