he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
