he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
