mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
