There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
