Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
