Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
