I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
