Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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